you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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