I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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