I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
