Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize