it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
