Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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