I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
