when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
