mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
