i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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