So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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