Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
