literally had 100 drinks last night.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Floor bacon is actually really good
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
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