you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
