Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
