I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
