sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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