going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
