she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
