Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
