I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize