ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
