I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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