last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
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