Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
