I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Randomize
