The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
