I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
