Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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