okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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