Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
