Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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