Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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