I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
