I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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