addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
