Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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