They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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