Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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