Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
