i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
