note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
