dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Vodka?
Forever.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
