k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
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