I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
