Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You should frame my arrest warrant.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
