I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
