first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
