i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
