I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
