I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
