Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
