She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
