Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
