Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
