The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
