dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
