You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
