My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
