if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Randomize
