best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
