My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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