I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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