I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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