I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
