:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
