did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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