rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
