Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
