We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
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