haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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