You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
